811 Miles

Day 24:Home of the Brave, Track 2

stevemerkel — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:30:34 +0000

You say "why don't I go see a shrink"
But I don't need to spend a grand a month
To know that I'm out of my head
'Cause you said you'd be better off dead
Than livin' with me.

Ah what a fun tune. It really is. I often like things that can be lighthearted in the face of misery. That was one of my goals on this blog. Unfortunately sometimes you just are getting your ass kicked by life and need to let out the suffering you are enduring. I have taken a few days off from writing due in part to my homelessness and in part because I have become more and more emotionally unhinged recently.
I can’t stand the thought of constantly dragging her down with me. Its really starting to wear on me. Sometimes I really do feel like I’m on the verge of losing my mind again. Its just that it doesnt feel like day 24. In reality to me its closer to day 724 because it feels like this is just a continuation of the last time she got rid of me. I often said that the one thing I needed was for her to never do this to me again. So she did it again. I understand that she needs to do whats right for her but I just wish it didnt always have to come at the expense of what is right for me.

Thats enough bitching for now.

-Steve

Day 18, Nimrod, Track 4

stevemerkel — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:17:40 +0000

It feels redundant already. You see, to someone reading this that means that they will become desensitized and things won’t seem as bad. Its easy to ignore the fact that I have to live with this every day.

This is not an exercise in self pity, just me making excuses for not having much more interesting to say. Its just more of the fact that I really need her to come through for me here. I’m afraid of how I will continue to emotionally deteriorate and want to avoid that no matter what the cost.

-Steve

Day 13, Hopeless and Homeless

stevemerkel — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:01:15 +0000

Yea, I forgot to mention…I live in a van.

You may say “But Steve, how can you complain about how far you live from someone when your house moves?”

I answer that with a “Its my fucking blog…words that I never thought I would say.”

More seriously, this means some good things and some bad things. First off, the good. If she does call and say that I am allowed to live in a location close to her, I have no packing to do and no preparations to make. I can simply drive to the location that she chooses to meet me at. No attachment to anything and no obligations to fufill.

The downside comes from the fact that I have not recieved that call. It means…I’M FUCKING LIVING IN A VAN!!! Doesnt that say it all?

-Steve

Day 8, still waiting.

stevemerkel — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 10:31:21 +0000

To whom it may concern,

Please note that I’m dieing here

Opening lyrics to a song of mine. I wrote it in anticipation of this situation. Hilariously enough, she was sitting only a few feet from me as I wrote it. I miss her so much. I am so ready to just go, but I can’t upset her like that. I just cant bring myself to be disobedient. I just don’t see how this situation is sustainable. I’m a mess. I whine and complain and annoy her. We both are quite happy when we spend time together. It just seems like a no brainer. That is what makes it so unbearably frustrating.

-Steve

One Week

stevemerkel — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 21:47:55 +0000

After a week, I have found that I have spent most of my free time looking for jobs and apartments in Chicago far more than where I currently am. Not very productive for those of us who are unemployed.

The joys of poverty and wishful thinking.

-Steve

Day 6, A sense of injustice.

stevemerkel — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:58:28 +0000

Well, today I finally feel wronged in all of this. I feel mistreated, abandoned and ignored. Its just wrong. Now do not confuse this with anger. Anger would be much easier on me. I know that she knows, but it just seems like she remains totally oblivious and disconnected. This frustrates me like few other things can. We talk, but its very superficial and we both keep our comments short and uninteresting. Its like the distance has found a way into our conversations and has undone all of technology’s progress in shrinking the world.

Less than a week and I’m already nearing my limit.

-Steve

An intro to my point of view…

stevemerkel — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 06:55:08 +0000

Watch this. Then you can start to understand.

more about "An intro to my point of view…", posted with vodpod

“Hit it.”

stevemerkel — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:41:52 +0000

It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.

I always loved that line from Blues Brothers. There seems to be no better way to start a long journey than with that statement. Such a sense of drive and purpose. Well, I dont smoke, I’m 811 miles away and I’m not allowed to start the trip yet. Now, I hope that I dont have the same sort of car chase that followed in the film (ok, It could be really fun…especially seeing some nazis falling from a height seeminging 10 times higher than the road they drive off of) but you can bet that I will find a VHS of that movie to keep in the VCR of my van for the day when she tells me I am welcome. Hell, I think I will even make sure I get a pair of sunglasses and a cool hat to be ready for the drive.

Lets just hope that after my recent legal encounters that the cops dont have SCMODS.

-Steve

Day 5, Day 1

stevemerkel — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 01:00:01 +0000

Its been 5 days since I have seen her. She is in Chicago now, I’m stuck in Howell, NJ. That’s where we get the title for our tale, the approximate distance between our two municipalities. A certain degree of the expected distress and despair have set in. By a certain degree, I mean more than I imagined. We’ve been through this before but never with such a distance or such a sense of permanence. So on day 5 of my wait, I start to chronicle the countdown to the day when she decides that the mileage between us can be greatly reduced. Its a countdown from a number which is currently unknown. Lets hope its a small one, or else there will be too much to read here and it may get fairly unintelligible as I’m slowly (or rather quite quickly) overcome by this nightmare which seemingly has come true.

Well that was a cheerful start

-Steve